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Monday, July 16, 2012

Real and fabled animals you probably don't want to get raped by

Here is a list of several, SEVERAL disclaimers you may want to look through before you read this post:

  • This post is a conversation between me and my friend Bridget Jones that deals with the rape of humans by both real and fabled animals.
  • Bridget Jones is not THAT Bridget Jones. My friend Bridget Jones is way more funny and way less whiney. In fact, when you hear my friend Bridget Jones speak, you don’t want to punch her at all. Unlike the other Bridget Jones. Also, I call my friend Bridget Jones BJ. Because ten people read my blog, and all of you went to high school with me and BJ, you already know her. 
  • BJ is one of the most hilarious people I know, and even though we explicitly say that rape is funny in this conversation, neither one of us thinks that actual rape is funny. Just rape by animals. Or mythical creatures.
  • This conversation started around midnight and officially ended around 2 a.m. Which means that we discussed rape by mythical creatures for more than two hours. Again: human rape is not funny. But mythical creature rape is hilarious. Think about it.
  • I will neither confirm nor deny whether either of us was drunk.
  • If the thought of a real or fabled animal raping you is upsetting, you should probably not read this. You can always read this or this. They’re both relatively rape free.

You’ve been warned.

BJ: Do alligators rape?
((There is no preface to this question.))

Me: God I hope not. I mean, they probably rape other alligators, and maybe the occasional turtle, but hopefully they don't rape people.

Fig. 1
Artist’s rendering

BJ: I think your next blog post should be the top five animals most likely to rape you.

Me: I completely agree with this idea.

BJ: Dolphin, dog, pig, monkey, alligator?

Me: All of those seem plausible and equally terrifying.
((And now that I’ve had time to think about it, rhinoceroses.))

BJ: Unicorns are like the date rape drug. It happens, but people don't think it exists.

Me: And it would maybe be kind of cool because they would probably sort of calm you down. Maybe the top five mythical creatures that really suck to get raped by? Because centaurs are way, way up there. Also griffins. Because of the talons.

BJ: I agree. And the chupacabra.

Me: All those teeth! Bigfoot. If he's a proportionate simian.

BJ: Or that dog from the Neverending Story.

Fig. 2
Falkor! Noooo!!! He just lost his horse!!!

Me: Yes, but maybe he'd let you fly on his back later. Not that that would make up for the raping. You'd have to do a lot of flying to make up for Falkor rape.

BJ: Chewbacca.

Me: He's tall. And his voice would be really irritating. Satyrs, because of the hooves.

BJ: Abominable snowman. One cold dick.

Me: And he'd probably just roll over and steal the covers from you.

BJ: Dragon rape is pretty terrifying.

Me: Dragon rape just shot to number one on my list. That Devil Thong from Legend.

Me: *Devil thing. Devil thongs would be too much for my fragile mind to bear.

Fig. 3
Devil thong?
BJ: I was once raped by a devil thong.

Me: Was it sparkly?  I imagine a devil thong would have some pizzazz.

BJ: I don't want to talk about it.

Me: Sorry. I understand.

BJ: Some people don't think rape is funny. I'm not one of them though.
((She is only referring to mythical creature rape. She does not think actual rape is funny.))

Me: I don't really understand why not. I think tape is hilarious.

Me: Also rape.

Me: Mostly tape.
((I am only referring to mythical creature rape. I do not think actual rape is funny. Or tape.))

BJ: I agree! They're both sticky.

Me: And they can both leave you pregnant. Wait.

BJ: I think you misread the tape instructions.

Me: I like to just open a box and do what comes naturally. Not be tied up in a whole bunch of rules.

BJ: That makes sense.

Me: Know what I've always liked about you, BJ? You don't judge. No matter how many minotaurs I've raped.

Fig. 4
How YOU doin’?

BJ: You gotta do what you gotta do!

Me: Thank you! Now please explain this to PETA! How are minotaurs even on their list of concern?! I'm going to be in court for months!

BJ: Minotaurs love being raped!

Me: They're practically begging for it wearing those short skirts!

BJ: That's why they do it!

Me: Exactly. But you rape 12 minotaurs in short skirts and all of a sudden the authorities have to be involved.
((I have not raped 12 minotaurs in short skirts. Three of them were in bath towels.And two of them were consensual.))

BJ: Speaking of predators, how scary would it be to be raped by the predator?!
((It took me several hours and I reread this four times before I realized that she was calling me a predator.))

Fig. 5
Holy. Christ. THINK ABOUT IT.

Me: Oh my god. First there would be that creepy light on you. Then the clicking nose. And god knows what their junk would look like. Just thrashing dreadlocks and furious clicking.

Me: And when Alien rapes you, she lays babies in your lungs. So that's pretty bad. Or she lays baby Sigourney Weavers in your lungs. I'm not sure which is worse.

Fig. 6
“Oh. Hi, Lieutenant Ripley. This is…awkward…”

BJ: Yeah, that's a nightmare waiting to happen. You just have to wait for death at that point.

BJ: Or the fly!

Me: Like the fly mid-Jeff-Goldblum transformation?

BJ: Exactly.

Me: Jeff Goldblum already sort of looks like a spider. So double scary.

Fig. 6
“Hi. Uh. I, uh, I’ve…I’ve probably never…never-ruh, raped anyone.”
((^It’s pretty hard to do a Jeff Goldblum impression through type alone. Stop judging me.))

BJ: Know what's NOT funny? Child dolphin rape.

Me: Like dolphins raping children, or children raping dolphins?  Because one of those is very funny.

BJ: Adult humans raping dolphin children.

Me: You're right. That's pretty serious. But if human children were raping adult dolphins, somehow, that's much funnier. Actually, human children raping any of these things seems eerily funny.

BJ: Yeah. Especially if they are British.

Me: Because their accents are so proper and it would remind me of Mary Poppins.

BJ: Exactly!
((Please reflect on how disturbing it is that British children raping adult dolphins simultaneously reminded two people of Mary Poppins. I blame Dick VanDyke.))

Me: Maybe that's why dolphins aren't common near England? Too much raping of dolphins by British children?
((One hour goes by without a response))

BJ: My phone died :(.

Me: I was confused why British children raping dolphins was the "too far" mark in this conversation...

::The next day::

Me: So. Dragon rape may be possible.

Fig. 7
“Right now, I just burn down elf homes, but I’m working my way up to raping humans.”

BJ: That is terrifying!

Me: Yeah. We spoke too soon.

…And THIS is why I cherish the friends I have. Because no one else would talk to me.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Six bugs on my arch nemesis list

***WARNING: This post contains pictures of very scary bugs and one of Michael Phelps with lobster pincers.***

I think that I'm a pretty friendly person, but, like every other bat-shit crazy person I know, I have a few arch nemeses lists floating around. Unfortunately, I can't publish the list of people who are my arch nemeses because it would probably look suspicious when live scorpions turned up in all of their sock drawers (are you listening, Nickelback?). Because I can't list the people who I've declared as my arch nemeses, I'm giving y'all a list of bugs that are my arch nemeses. To be honest, there isn't much difference between the two lists (are you listening, Nickelback?).

1) Roaches
Ok. Roaches in Texas are like a genetic experiment gone horribly awry. They are roughly the size of a Volvo. They have terrible legs, they have creepy antennae that can feel their way into your soul where they will definitely lay babies, and they bite. (What's that? They don't bite? Well then, Bill Nye, explain to me how the fuck they eat.)

FIG. 1
Pictured: A fucking roach. That is fucking biting.

Also, roaches are aggressive. Don't look at me like that. A couple months ago, I woke up and walked out into the kitchen for a drink. There was a roach on the ceiling and he was approximately three feet long and he had a switchblade knife pointed at me and was wearing a bandana and a Guns N Roses shirt.

FIG. 2
Rough Approximation

He twitched his wings at me in Morse code, saying "if you take one step closer to me, I will fly into your hair and bite you" and then he charged at me to send me a message. To which I responded "Oh! Sorry!" and turned off the light and ran out of the kitchen as fast as I could (which, truthfully, isn't very fast). You read that correctly. He charged at me. Which is aggressive.

While roaches have always thrown me into mild states of cardiac arrest, I put them on my arch nemeses list after I woke up one morning with a roach on my arm. I screamed, simultaneously faceplanting out of bed while attempting to claw my own shirt off. I stood up with my ankles twisted around each other, the roach on my face and my shirt somehow stuck around my head. I tripped, screaming, and fell onto the bed which I bounced off of, screaming, and fell onto the dog's kennel, which I bounced off of, screaming, and fell into the wall, which I bounced off of, screaming, and faceplanted on the floor again, half naked with my shirt still somehow tied around my face. And the roach was still on me. Basically, I added roaches to my list the day a roach turned me into a half naked human pinball and won a battle of wills.

2) Water bugs
According to scientific research that I have just made up, water bugs are a combination of very scary pinchers, roaches and Michael Phelps, which are three of the things I'm most terrified of in this world.

FIG. 3
This seems legit. And you brought this on yourself, Michael Phelps.

Because my parents wanted to increase the possibility of death for all of us growing up, we had a pool. Inside this pool on occasion, were extremely terrifying water  bugs. From now on, we'll refer to them as Michael Phelps monsters. First, let's take a look at these things:

Fig. 4
"What's that, sir? You also come in Terrible Monstrosity size?"

That's a Giant Michael Phelps Monster. I used a giant Michael Phelps monster for a few reasons. First, it's easier to see all of their terrible nightmarish qualities when they're blown up to gargantuan proportions. Like their terrible eyeballs that can see all of your fears, or their terrible backs that are meant to trick you into thinking that they're a leaf you can pick up in your pool until it squirms out of your hands with it's terrible slippery body and lunges for your face. Second, I used a picture of a giant Michael Phelps monster to show you that they come in gargantuan proportions, which is probably God's way of saying that he wants me to die of a heart attack in the middle of a swimming pool.

Have you ever been peacefully floating on your back in your favorite Hello Kitty swimsuit in your parent's pool (this was a while ago, like at least two years) when suddenly it felt as though an Orc or a grizzly bear was clawing at your ass cheek? And then you remember that Orcs aren't real? And that there are no salmon in your pool so it's probably not a grizzly bear? And that's when you start to panic because you realize that there is a Michael Phelps monster loose in your swimsuit? I put Michael Phelps monsters on my arch nemeses list when I ended up almost drowning in a swimming pool because I freaked out and couldn't find the Michael Phelps monster that was loose in my swimsuit.

3) Mosquitoes
Mosquitoes made it onto my list last week. I know that's weird because they're kind of the worst creation in the history of things that have ever been created, but none of them have ever given me West Nile or Malaria, so honestly, I thought we were cool. I mean, yes, they're like terrible tiny vampires. But according to teenagers and 40-year-old moms who are pedophiles, vampires are sort of in right now.

Last week, I was driving home. My car is a convertible (an AWESOME convertible. As awesome as six Aston Martins except it's a PT Cruiser) and a mosquito flew directly into my eyeball. I'm not good at physics, but the velocity my car was travelling plus the velocity at which the mosquito was flying equaled approximately one million miles an hour, which equaled about seven millions pounds of force against my eyeball.

FIG. 5
These calculations seem correct.

This caused me to almost kill myself and several other people on the road. And the policeman that pulled me over because he thought, I am assuming, that I was drunk, did not quite understand what I meant when I said that a tiny vampire was trying to eat my eyeballs. So I put mosquitoes on my arch nemeses list last week when one caused me to almost kill several people, attracting the attention of the Friendswood Police, who then gave me a ticket for my expired registration.

4) Brown Recluse spiders

FIG. 6
Because holy Christ, that's why.

I have lots and lots of irrational fears, like that I'm somehow going to get eaten alive by an escalator or that any time I sit in a recliner, I am definitely going to fall over backwards. One of my more rational fears is that I am going to get viciously attacked by an entire colony of brown recluse spiders and doctors will have to remove all of my limbs and most of my boobs. Oh. That's not logical? Go Google "brown recluse spider bite" for me. It's ok. I'll wait.

FIG. 7
The bite is literally too terrible for me to post. So here's a picture of Richard Simmons.

Did you do it? Was it the most terrible thing you've ever seen besides anything starring Jennifer Lopez? If you didn't search for it and see the horror movie that results from one of these bites, first, that was probably smart, and second, all you have to do is picture the most terrible, disgusting wound in the whole world and then multiply that by exactly one fuck-ton. I put brown recluse spiders on my arch nemeses list as soon as I discovered that they lived in Texas, most likely in my attic, and then concluded that they had become self-aware and were planning an uprising.

5) Silverfish
First, look at them:

FIG. 8
"What? Oh I'm just hanging out. Trying to lay eggs in your brain."

Second, silverfish are like that really terrible socially awkward guy no one invited to the party and he refuses to leave.

FIG. 9
"But I brought French onion dip."

I'm just going to throw a few things out there:
  • They eat books
  • They live anywhere I am currently trying to take a shower
  • They eat books
  • They feed primarily on carbohydrates without getting fat, which means they are officially better at life than me
  • They eat books
  • They apparently live in piles of expensive bras
  • They eat books
  • Some species of silverfish HAVE NO FUCKING EYES, which somehow makes it even more frustrating that they always know where my arms are when I'm trying to simultaneously carry something and not touch a silverfish
FIG. 10
"Enemy arm at 6:00! Let's go, Comrades!"
(Also, silverfish sound Russian in my head. I blame the Cold War.)

I put silverfish on my arch nemeses list when I was four days old and someone tried to bathe me and I'm 100 percent certain there was a silverfish on the wall trying to crawl onto my arm.

6) June bugs
These are the things I know about June bugs.

FIG. 11
...besides, "I hate them."

  • They have creepy legs
  • They are like stupid kamikaze pilots that aim specifically for faces
  • They do not know what the word "June" means
  • They are like the very dumb and irritating cousins of Egyptian Scarab beetles
  • They are apparently delicious, based on the number of June bugs my dog brings into the house and tries to eat, only to let them go so they kamikaze right into my face
  • If you are a lifeguard and have to keep the pool clean, approximately seven trillion will accumulate in the skimmer baskets. When you try to get them out and have nowhere to put them, another lifeguard whom you incorrectly assume is a friend will suggest that you set them on fire. Several of them will, as it turns out, not be as dead as you originally thought  and will begin to fly at you out of anger and retribution.

FIG. 12
It was pretty hard to find a picture of this.

I put June bugs on my arch nemeses list when I was 20 and a lifeguard named Chase suggested I set a pile of presumed-dead June bugs on fire and three flaming undead June bugs attempted to kamikaze my face.

So that's it then. I'm pretty selective about what goes on this list, but I'm sure I'll be able to update it with equally terrifying arch nemeses bugs eventually. (Are you listening, Nickelback?)

***Also--I've added a subscribe-by-email thingie to the right hand side of the page if that would make life easier for anybody. Like my mother. Who had this conversation with me the other day:

Mom: I've never read your blog.
Me: Mom, are you serious?
Mom: It's not my fault! I don't know how to get there!
Me: Type in my blog name in Google!
Mom: What's your blog name?
Me: Seriously?! Diary of a failed anorexic!
Mom: Jennifer! No one wants to read about anorexia. That's not funny.
Me: Diary of a FAILED anorexic.
Mom: Oh, I get it. That's kind of funny, I guess.

She keeps me humble.***