Remember way back in 1817 when Spain was like “oh hey, Jean
Lafitte, remember how you pinkie promised that you would help us out if we
looked the other way during all your pirate hijinks?” and Jean Lafitte was like
“French people don’t pinkie promise.” And Spain was like “Yeah whatever. Anyway
we need you to sail to Galveston and spy on the Mexicans.” And Lafitte was like
“can I still be a pirate?” and Spain was like “yeah whatever. Just spy on those
Mexicans.”
And Jean Lafitte sailed into Galveston and he was like “DADDY’S HOME
BITCHES! All of you other leaders, GET! SHOO!” And then he developed an entire
colony and a smuggling base and he basically just stopped spying on Mexicans to
pirate it up full time? And anytime someone new moved in he was like “do you
PINKIE PROMISE to be loyal to me?!” and they were like “I thought French people
didn’t pinky promise.”
And he was like “SAY THE THING! THE THING WHERE YOU’RE
LOYAL TO ME!” and then then in 1821 the government was like “Hey. Can you
get out of America? Like…all the way out. People are starting to notice that
you’re still a pirate.” And then Jean Lafitte was like “I’m outie 3000 bitches”
and he burned his settlement to the ground and left on his pirate ship with all
his gold? And also he was the coolest thing that ever happened to
Galveston?
Remember back in
1782, when The French were all like “We are French! Let’s fight a lot” but it
came out all “Nous sommes Français! Luttons beaucoup!”?
And Rousseau was
like "Oh my gosh, guys. Let me tell you what this B said. We were like 'The
peasants don't have any bread, Marie!' and she was like 'Well let those whiney
bitches eat cake then! Being rich rules!'"? Except he lied about that part
and she probably didn’t say that at all?
And everyone was
like "Meh. We’re in the middle of a revolution anyway. Let’s eventually
try her for treason and then we should totally cut this lady's head off."
And then they totally
cut her head off?
What? You guys don't have cake? I didn't even say that!
And 300 years later we were STILL so mad at Marie Antoinette
that we were like "the only suitable punishment for her is to have Kirsten
Dunst play her in a wildly inaccurate movie." ?
Sophia Coppola: Fuck you, history.
Here’s the thing. I’m not really ever sure I’m doing
Throwback Thursday right. Is this right? I’m just going to keep doing it this
way.
Man. Remember
in 1693 when all those ladies were acting suspiciously so we just said, "Hey.
They're probably all witches. Why else would they want to wear shorts? We should
probably just hang them." And then we hanged them? That was really the
best way to tackle that suspicious lady problem. Is this the right way to do Throwback
Thursday? Maybe it’s not. Regardless, here are some of the things we should
have taken away from the Salem Witch Trials.
1)
If a lady tells you to do something, especially if that lady is wearing a
bonnet, you’d better fucking do it because she’s probably a witch.
“All I said was to put the MOTHERFUCKING SEAT DOWN when he finished so I don’t fall in during the middle of the night. And somehow I’M the witch?"
2)
If you are a lady and you want to boss people around, do not wear a bonnet
because you will be mistaken for a witch and will, with almost 100 percent
certainty, be hanged, set on fire or pressed to death by gigantic rocks.
And here’s the thing. Bonnets are a terrible fashion misstep, but they shouldn’t
be punishable by death. Sandal boots are a different story.
Witch
Witch
Docent or witch? I have no idea so we’ll have to set you on fire. Witch.
3)
Most suspicious ladies are probably witches. Which explains my former landlord
who had like seventeen parakeets (because seriously. Parakeets are worse than watching every episode of Charles in Charge in one sitting), my former co-worker who would read her bible at lunch and
then spend the rest of the day criticizing my nail polish, and Charlize Theron.
NOBODY is that beautiful and nice and funny and smart. Expect a visit from Magistrate Hathorne, Theron. You’d better get that absolutely adorable accent going.
4)
Do not act suspiciously in front of a man with a wig.
“Oh, hey, Emily Proctor. No, I won’t crush you under giant rocks. Wait.”
“You’d better work, bitch. Wait.”
“What’s that? No. My name is Donatien François. Well yeah some people call me that, but… Hm? Yeah I guess you can call me Marquis… What’s that? de Sade? Yeah that’s me. Wait…”
Men
in wigs do not take suspicious-acting ladies lightly. Because men
in wigs will either set you on fire, make you work on the runway and make love
to a camera, or will force you into their sex dungeon, which is probably not as
cool as 50 Shades of Grey makes it sound. Also, shame on you for reading 50
Shades of Grey. You’re probably a witch. Also, shame on me for reading 50
Shades of Grey. I’m definitely a witch.
As evidenced by my tell-tale Squeaky-Witch-Bra test
5)
If you are a lady, and you do not like another lady, just tell everyone that
she’s a witch. I know that people sort of already do that, but the consequences
now are like “yeah. She totally IS a witch.” And before they were like “Really? Maybe
we should just set her on fire?”That
kind of reaction could really come in handy. Here are some practical uses for
starting your own witch trial:
When
a checker at the grocery store tells you they can take you in their aisle, but
a suspicious lady cuts in front of you
When
you’re at Barnes and Nobles and you’re looking at the last Huey Lewis and the News
CD but a suspicious lady takes it before you get it
When
you fall down in the middle of a tennis court because you tried to jump over
the net but you missed and everyone is laughing and you see that one of the
people laughing is a suspicious lady
When
you’re standing at your favorite bar trying to get a drink but the bartender is sort of
ignoring you because he’s talking to Charlize Theron instead and you realize that Charlize Theron seems like a suspicious lady
Now you're on MY turf, Theron! Get your beautiful face out of here! Also, I may have a girl crush on Charlize Theron.
When
you decide that enough is enough and Nickelback should finally be stopped and
you put cobras in all of their sock drawers and they die and you get arrested
but you notice that one of the people outside the jail is a suspicious lady
See?
Witch trials can’t backfire at all! You’re welcome. We should probably all go out and hug some suspicious ladies today. And make sure you tell them that if this was 1693, they would have been hanged for witchcraft. Don't worry. They'll probably take it as a compliment.
