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Monday, July 16, 2012

Real and fabled animals you probably don't want to get raped by

Here is a list of several, SEVERAL disclaimers you may want to look through before you read this post:

  • This post is a conversation between me and my friend Bridget Jones that deals with the rape of humans by both real and fabled animals.
  • Bridget Jones is not THAT Bridget Jones. My friend Bridget Jones is way more funny and way less whiney. In fact, when you hear my friend Bridget Jones speak, you don’t want to punch her at all. Unlike the other Bridget Jones. Also, I call my friend Bridget Jones BJ. Because ten people read my blog, and all of you went to high school with me and BJ, you already know her. 
  • BJ is one of the most hilarious people I know, and even though we explicitly say that rape is funny in this conversation, neither one of us thinks that actual rape is funny. Just rape by animals. Or mythical creatures.
  • This conversation started around midnight and officially ended around 2 a.m. Which means that we discussed rape by mythical creatures for more than two hours. Again: human rape is not funny. But mythical creature rape is hilarious. Think about it.
  • I will neither confirm nor deny whether either of us was drunk.
  • If the thought of a real or fabled animal raping you is upsetting, you should probably not read this. You can always read this or this. They’re both relatively rape free.

You’ve been warned.

BJ: Do alligators rape?
((There is no preface to this question.))

Me: God I hope not. I mean, they probably rape other alligators, and maybe the occasional turtle, but hopefully they don't rape people.

Fig. 1
Artist’s rendering

BJ: I think your next blog post should be the top five animals most likely to rape you.

Me: I completely agree with this idea.

BJ: Dolphin, dog, pig, monkey, alligator?

Me: All of those seem plausible and equally terrifying.
((And now that I’ve had time to think about it, rhinoceroses.))

BJ: Unicorns are like the date rape drug. It happens, but people don't think it exists.

Me: And it would maybe be kind of cool because they would probably sort of calm you down. Maybe the top five mythical creatures that really suck to get raped by? Because centaurs are way, way up there. Also griffins. Because of the talons.

BJ: I agree. And the chupacabra.

Me: All those teeth! Bigfoot. If he's a proportionate simian.

BJ: Or that dog from the Neverending Story.

Fig. 2
Falkor! Noooo!!! He just lost his horse!!!

Me: Yes, but maybe he'd let you fly on his back later. Not that that would make up for the raping. You'd have to do a lot of flying to make up for Falkor rape.

BJ: Chewbacca.

Me: He's tall. And his voice would be really irritating. Satyrs, because of the hooves.

BJ: Abominable snowman. One cold dick.

Me: And he'd probably just roll over and steal the covers from you.

BJ: Dragon rape is pretty terrifying.

Me: Dragon rape just shot to number one on my list. That Devil Thong from Legend.

Me: *Devil thing. Devil thongs would be too much for my fragile mind to bear.

Fig. 3
Devil thong?
BJ: I was once raped by a devil thong.

Me: Was it sparkly?  I imagine a devil thong would have some pizzazz.

BJ: I don't want to talk about it.

Me: Sorry. I understand.

BJ: Some people don't think rape is funny. I'm not one of them though.
((She is only referring to mythical creature rape. She does not think actual rape is funny.))

Me: I don't really understand why not. I think tape is hilarious.

Me: Also rape.

Me: Mostly tape.
((I am only referring to mythical creature rape. I do not think actual rape is funny. Or tape.))

BJ: I agree! They're both sticky.

Me: And they can both leave you pregnant. Wait.

BJ: I think you misread the tape instructions.

Me: I like to just open a box and do what comes naturally. Not be tied up in a whole bunch of rules.

BJ: That makes sense.

Me: Know what I've always liked about you, BJ? You don't judge. No matter how many minotaurs I've raped.

Fig. 4
How YOU doin’?

BJ: You gotta do what you gotta do!

Me: Thank you! Now please explain this to PETA! How are minotaurs even on their list of concern?! I'm going to be in court for months!

BJ: Minotaurs love being raped!

Me: They're practically begging for it wearing those short skirts!

BJ: That's why they do it!

Me: Exactly. But you rape 12 minotaurs in short skirts and all of a sudden the authorities have to be involved.
((I have not raped 12 minotaurs in short skirts. Three of them were in bath towels.And two of them were consensual.))

BJ: Speaking of predators, how scary would it be to be raped by the predator?!
((It took me several hours and I reread this four times before I realized that she was calling me a predator.))

Fig. 5
Holy. Christ. THINK ABOUT IT.

Me: Oh my god. First there would be that creepy light on you. Then the clicking nose. And god knows what their junk would look like. Just thrashing dreadlocks and furious clicking.

Me: And when Alien rapes you, she lays babies in your lungs. So that's pretty bad. Or she lays baby Sigourney Weavers in your lungs. I'm not sure which is worse.

Fig. 6
“Oh. Hi, Lieutenant Ripley. This is…awkward…”

BJ: Yeah, that's a nightmare waiting to happen. You just have to wait for death at that point.

BJ: Or the fly!

Me: Like the fly mid-Jeff-Goldblum transformation?

BJ: Exactly.

Me: Jeff Goldblum already sort of looks like a spider. So double scary.

Fig. 6
“Hi. Uh. I, uh, I’ve…I’ve probably never…never-ruh, raped anyone.”
((^It’s pretty hard to do a Jeff Goldblum impression through type alone. Stop judging me.))

BJ: Know what's NOT funny? Child dolphin rape.

Me: Like dolphins raping children, or children raping dolphins?  Because one of those is very funny.

BJ: Adult humans raping dolphin children.

Me: You're right. That's pretty serious. But if human children were raping adult dolphins, somehow, that's much funnier. Actually, human children raping any of these things seems eerily funny.

BJ: Yeah. Especially if they are British.

Me: Because their accents are so proper and it would remind me of Mary Poppins.

BJ: Exactly!
((Please reflect on how disturbing it is that British children raping adult dolphins simultaneously reminded two people of Mary Poppins. I blame Dick VanDyke.))

Me: Maybe that's why dolphins aren't common near England? Too much raping of dolphins by British children?
((One hour goes by without a response))

BJ: My phone died :(.

Me: I was confused why British children raping dolphins was the "too far" mark in this conversation...

::The next day::

Me: So. Dragon rape may be possible.

Fig. 7
“Right now, I just burn down elf homes, but I’m working my way up to raping humans.”

BJ: That is terrifying!

Me: Yeah. We spoke too soon.

…And THIS is why I cherish the friends I have. Because no one else would talk to me.


  1. Christopher WiseJuly 16, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    I feel like you left out some pretty terrifying rape scenarios that should have made this list.
    1) The blue whale. This creature has a penis that is roughly human sized, so if you did actually survive I would only imagine that your quality of life would be pretty low.
    2) Any member of the band Gwar. The lead singer of this band call his genitalia the "Cuttlefish of Cthulhu". This my friend sounds terrifying if you mix it with anal penetration.
    and finally
    3) Courtney Love. The only thing more terrifying than getting ass pounded by a 90's shock rock band is getting raped by this beast. It is a commonly known fact that the only way to cure the VD that this bitch gives you is to insert a shotgun into your mouth and pull the trigger with your toe... #KurtCobain

    1. I can't believe we left off gwar. and you are definitely correct on the blue whale, because holy christ. courtney love is currently being held together by std's...

  2. Comic genius above in the blog, comic genius below in the comments.
    Jen & BJ - this was disturbingly hilarious.

  3. I totally had whales next to send you when my phone died! I mean you really can't trust an animal with a "blowhole", i didn't even know about the blue whale members!

    also, i agree, Gwar is an embarassing oversight.

  4. Please come back and write more!

    1. Haha. Thank you! Just for you, I posted a new blog. :)