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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Things we should learn from the Salem Witch Trials

Man. Remember in 1693 when all those ladies were acting suspiciously so we just said, "Hey. They're probably all witches. Why else would they want to wear shorts? We should probably just hang them." And then we hanged them? That was really the best way to tackle that suspicious lady problem. Is this the right way to do Throwback Thursday? Maybe it’s not. Regardless, here are some of the things we should have taken away from the Salem Witch Trials.

1) If a lady tells you to do something, especially if that lady is wearing a bonnet, you’d better fucking do it because she’s probably a witch.

“All I said was to put the MOTHERFUCKING SEAT DOWN when he finished so I don’t fall in during the middle of the night.  And somehow I’M the witch?"
 2) If you are a lady and you want to boss people around, do not wear a bonnet because you will be mistaken for a witch and will, with almost 100 percent certainty, be hanged, set on fire or pressed to death by gigantic rocks. And here’s the thing. Bonnets are a terrible fashion misstep, but they shouldn’t be punishable by death. Sandal boots are a different story.



Docent or witch? I have no idea so we’ll have to set you on fire. Witch.

3) Most suspicious ladies are probably witches. Which explains my former landlord who had like seventeen parakeets (because seriously. Parakeets are worse than watching every episode of Charles in Charge in one sitting), my former co-worker who would read her bible at lunch and then spend the rest of the day criticizing my nail polish, and Charlize Theron.

NOBODY is that beautiful and nice and funny and smart.  Expect a visit from Magistrate Hathorne, Theron. You’d better get that absolutely adorable accent going.
4) Do not act suspiciously in front of a man with a wig.

“Oh, hey, Emily Proctor. No, I won’t crush you under giant rocks. Wait.”

“You’d better work, bitch. Wait.”

“What’s that? No. My name is Donatien Fran├žois. Well yeah some people call me that, but… Hm? Yeah I guess you can call me Marquis… What’s that? de Sade? Yeah that’s me. Wait…”
Men in wigs do not take  suspicious-acting ladies lightly. Because men in wigs will either set you on fire, make you work on the runway and make love to a camera, or will force you into their sex dungeon, which is probably not as cool as 50 Shades of Grey makes it sound. Also, shame on you for reading 50 Shades of Grey. You’re probably a witch. Also, shame on me for reading 50 Shades of Grey. I’m definitely a witch.

As evidenced by my tell-tale Squeaky-Witch-Bra test

 5) If you are a lady, and you do not like another lady, just tell everyone that she’s a witch. I know that people sort of already do that, but the consequences now are like “yeah. She totally IS a witch.” And before they were like “Really? Maybe we should just set her on fire?”  That kind of reaction could really come in handy. Here are some practical uses for starting your own witch trial:
  • When a checker at the grocery store tells you they can take you in their aisle, but a suspicious lady cuts in front of you
  • When you’re at Barnes and Nobles and you’re looking at the last Huey Lewis and the News CD but a suspicious lady takes it before you get it
  • When you fall down in the middle of a tennis court because you tried to jump over the net but you missed and everyone is laughing and you see that one of the people laughing is a suspicious lady
  • When you’re standing at your favorite bar trying to get a drink but the bartender is sort of ignoring you because he’s talking to Charlize Theron instead and you realize that Charlize Theron seems like a suspicious lady

Now you're on MY turf, Theron! Get your beautiful face out of here! Also, I may have a girl crush on Charlize Theron.
  • When you decide that enough is enough and Nickelback should finally be stopped and you put cobras in all of their sock drawers and they die and you get arrested but you notice that one of the people outside the jail is a suspicious lady

See? Witch trials can’t backfire at all! You’re welcome. We should probably all go out and hug some suspicious ladies today. And make sure you tell them that if this was 1693, they would have been hanged for witchcraft. Don't worry. They'll probably take it as a compliment. 

Monday, August 19, 2013

Reasons I should probably never be allowed to have children

You know how as soon as you’re married and turn 28, people start saying things like “why do you have all of these bobble heads in the living room” and “how many times have you set the kitchen on fire” and “is that a pink Magic 8-ball Jesus?” and “you’re married! why don’t you have kids!?”

“Outlook not good, Jennie. Also, my dad said you need to get it together.”

Then you turn 30 and people start saying things like “did I see you car dancing to Paula Abdul earlier?” and “where did you even find legwarmers after 1985?” and “that homeless guy is trying to holler at you” and “oh, you’re getting a divorce? Well at least y’all didn't have any kids! There’s still time!”

Let me know if you want me to show you how to fashion.

Then you turn 32 and people are like “womp womp. Have fun with that Uruk-Hai sword you bought. Looks like you’re never having kids.”

Well first of all, I WILL have fun with that Uruk-Hai sword I bought and don’t say that so condescendingly, unless you've played with an Uruk-Hai sword and thought “this is lame” which would have NEVER happened because playing with an Uruk-Hai sword is NEVER lame you fucking liar.

Exhibit A: Uruk-Hais know how to party.

Second, a psychic/potentially magical/slightly aggressive Buddhist monk told me I WOULD have kids and that they would be twins so 1) watch out for that train wreck and 2) shut your mouth. Third, maybe it’s better for my imaginary children named Blaze and Moxie that I haven’t had them yet because so far, I’m not shaping up to be great parent material. Also, I’ve already had three sets of baby names blatantly stolen from me because a) I share awesome ideas with people for FREE all of the time b) I don’t have kids yet and c) my friends are reckless, heartless, thieving a-holes. You know who you are. So if anyone else that knows me has babies and names them Blaze or Moxie, I am actually going to stab you. Here are some of the reasons it’s ok that I don’t have children yet.

1) I am super awkward around children.
When you meet a kid for the first time what do you do? I’m seriously asking a question. Because when I meet a baby for the first time, I’m like “Hello. I am Jennie. Here is my business card should you need anything from me in the future. Later on if you would like some assistance with your college essays, I’ll give you some notes. Alright. Nice meeting you.” And then I take a drink of tequila from my Big Gulp and walk away. Babies are often not a fan of this straightforward direct approach. I think they would prefer that I talk to them like idiots, but I have too much respect for you, babies. I suggest you set your standards a little higher. Contrarily, I have friends who are introduced to babies and are then immediately adopted as surrogate mothers. My sister, who once abandoned my brother and I to die during a potential home invasion/attack-monster situation and should therefore be a marginal kid-person at best, is incredible with kids.  They just wander up to her in the street like she’s some sort of pied-piper who attracts tiny humans that can’t properly feed themselves yet. Sort of like really drunk dwarves, but much less funny and astronomically more codependent. 

This looks exactly like the majority of children attracted to my sister and the majority of men attracted to me. 

On the other hand, on more than one occasion, babies have given me a look that silently says oh Christ here we go again and then they immediately try to log roll away, because babies are so stupid they can’t even walk. And I’m like shut up, baby! Who are you to judge me?! At least I can drive a car and count, you idiot! The only exceptions to this are my niece and nephew. Because once, I watched my nephew eat an entire piece of pizza before he had any teeth, and I was like “that is a kid who gets it,” and when my niece was three weeks old, she wrapped her tiny precious hands into my sister’s hair, pulled my sister’s face down to her sweet little baby face and sneezed into my sister’s mouth three times. And I was like “I couldn’t love her any more if she were my own.”

2) I often forget that threatening adults is acceptable, but threatening children is not as acceptable.
Like the time I told this bitchy little kid that she needed to stop beating the shit out of her classmates or someone would drop a house on her. Because if you’re going to insult a child, it’s best to threaten bodily injury in the context of The Wizard of Oz, therefore ruining both their faith in adults AND an awesome childhood movie. Or the time a kid I was watching kept playing with the knobs on the oven like a little asshole and I said, knock it off or I will straight stick you in that oven. Or the time I led an elementary school field trip when I was in high school and a kid kept sticking his fingers in the chinchilla cages and, even though I had asked him nicely several times to please don’t do that, seriously, he did it one time too many and I told him without a trace of hilarity that I swear to God if you do that one more time I am going to throw you in with that eight foot python. In my defense, all of these kids were real jerks. Oh. I’m terrible? And I shouldn’t threaten to throw a small child into a snake cage and watch him be strangled and swallowed whole and then digested half alive? Well first of all, calm down. The snake had already eaten.  And second of all, you’re a liar if you’re telling me you’ve never met ONE kid you wouldn’t throw to a ravenous snake.

Game. Set. Match, bitches.

3) Sometimes, I think kids are assholes and there’s probably something fundamentally wrong with that.
In my defense, sometimes kids are assholes. I'm sorry?You don’t think so?
  • One time, my friend’s child approached her on the couch, snuggled up in her lap, threw a fucking rock in her drink, laughed and ran away. If an adult did that, you’d be like, “don’t worry about that Janice because that guy’s an asshole.”
  • I once watched a child ask for juice, and then after she got said juice, she unscrewed the top of her sippy cup and poured the fucking juice out all over the floor while staring at her mother in the eyes the whole time. First, fuck you, that’s creepy. And second, if I visited you, asked you for apple juice and then after you gave it to me, purposefully poured it all over the floor while staring at you, you would be like “Jennie. You are a drunk asshole. Go home.”
  • Another one of my friend’s children wanted to sleep in their dog’s kennel, and when his mother told him no, because his mother does not want to go to jail, the child went over and tried to beat the shit out of their dog. Like a motherfucking serial murderer. Because that child was also an asshole.

OK. Forget this one. I was right and it’s perfectly ok to sometimes think that kids are assholes. Damien was a kid. Those freaky ass twins from The Shining were kids. Linda Blair was a kid in The Exorcist. And Macaulay Caulkin was a kid in The Good Son. And it’s pretty safe to say that all of these things are scientific evidence that kids can be real assholes. 

4) I was confident that purchasing an Uruk-Hai sword would be a good investment.
Formula costs money. So do diapers, cribs, baby clothes, bottles and eventually college. Well I’ve got news for you, kiddo. My Uruk-Hai sword costs money too. And I haven’t even paid off my OWN college loans, you selfish a-hole. Also, I can’t use a child to chop a water jug or pineapple in half.


In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the gist of what Toni Morrison was trying to say with Beloved. (Toni Morrison, if you’re reading this, I’m so, so sorry for that.) All I’m saying is that if something goes wrong, I can sharpen or throw away my Uruk-Hai sword, but I cannot sharpen or throw away a baby.

5) I’m probably not a wonderful influence.
Have you ever been simultaneously babysitting and watching a realistically gory episode of Criminal Minds and thought “maybe I should put something else on”? Oh you have? Because I haven’t. Ditto for Paranormal Witness, Law and Order SVU and Freddy Vs. Jason. Ever been watching a two-year-old and they want half of your Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino and instead of saying “no, pumpkin, here’s your juice,” you say “don’t tell your mom” and hand it over?  No? Here’s a list of other reasons I’m probably not a proper full-time influence for children broken down by category:

  • One time, I ate whipped cream for dinner
  • Sometimes, I lie about how many times I’ve eaten whipped cream for dinner
  • For like a month, I was dizzy, had headaches, and also had seventeen other signs of high blood pressure and I was like I’m going to ignore this away until a doctor was like I cannot give you any kind of diet pills with your blood pressure this high, Jesus Christ go to the hospital you're about to die
  • I did not know until my late 20s that gyms were open before 10 am

  • On more than one occasion, I have looked at my bank account, known that I had $500 and spent $300 on makeup
  • I considered $68 for an Uruk-Hai sword a good investment
  • Several times, I have had to choose between dinner for the rest of the week and manicures, and I choose manicures 100 percent of the time
  • One time, someone stole my purse and then sort of gave it back because he felt sorry for me

  • I have dated a man who moved to another state without telling me mid-relationship
  • I have dated a man for a year and a half who broke up with me via text
  • I have dated a man whose idea of romance was asking me to go to a hotel on our first date
  • I have dated a man whose idea of proper wedding attire was Jordans and blue jeans, and this man was not LL Cool J

Common Sense
  • I have a Master’s degree in literature
  • Once, while holding a glass of tea in my hand, I turned my wrist to check the time, and spilled the tea all over me, the floor and the dog; it took me a minute to realize what happened
  • I one time swallowed the tine of a plastic fork at dinner and didn’t realize it until the meal was over
  • I broke an “unbreakable” pyrex dish to prove a point

So look. I’m not saying that I don’t want Blaze or Moxie. I’m just saying that it’s ok that I haven’t had them yet, because maybe the authorities would have to get involved once I started threatening to put them in the oven or letting them have Starbucks while watching Paranormal Witness. Either that, or they would turn out just like me, and while I think that’s pretty badass, the rest of my family and friends would be like “we’re moving to Canada because fuck it, enough is enough.”

And that hurts, guys.

(A couple of you guys asked, so here's the blog's Facebook link, if you're into that sort of thing: https://www.facebook.com/DiaryOfAFailedAnorexic)