Man. Remember
in 1693 when all those ladies were acting suspiciously so we just said, "Hey.
They're probably all witches. Why else would they want to wear shorts? We should
probably just hang them." And then we hanged them? That was really the
best way to tackle that suspicious lady problem. Is this the right way to do Throwback
Thursday? Maybe it’s not. Regardless, here are some of the things we should
have taken away from the Salem Witch Trials.
1)
If a lady tells you to do something, especially if that lady is wearing a
bonnet, you’d better fucking do it because she’s probably a witch.
“All I said was to put the MOTHERFUCKING SEAT DOWN when he finished so I don’t fall in during the middle of the night. And somehow I’M the witch?"
2)
If you are a lady and you want to boss people around, do not wear a bonnet
because you will be mistaken for a witch and will, with almost 100 percent
certainty, be hanged, set on fire or pressed to death by gigantic rocks.
And here’s the thing. Bonnets are a terrible fashion misstep, but they shouldn’t
be punishable by death. Sandal boots are a different story.
Witch
Witch
Docent or witch? I have no idea so we’ll have to set you on fire. Witch.
3)
Most suspicious ladies are probably witches. Which explains my former landlord
who had like seventeen parakeets (because seriously. Parakeets are worse than watching every episode of Charles in Charge in one sitting), my former co-worker who would read her bible at lunch and
then spend the rest of the day criticizing my nail polish, and Charlize Theron.
NOBODY is that beautiful and nice and funny and smart. Expect a visit from Magistrate Hathorne, Theron. You’d better get that absolutely adorable accent going.
4)
Do not act suspiciously in front of a man with a wig.
“Oh, hey, Emily Proctor. No, I won’t crush you under giant rocks. Wait.”
“You’d better work, bitch. Wait.”
“What’s that? No. My name is Donatien François. Well yeah some people call me that, but… Hm? Yeah I guess you can call me Marquis… What’s that? de Sade? Yeah that’s me. Wait…”
Men
in wigs do not take suspicious-acting ladies lightly. Because men
in wigs will either set you on fire, make you work on the runway and make love
to a camera, or will force you into their sex dungeon, which is probably not as
cool as 50 Shades of Grey makes it sound. Also, shame on you for reading 50
Shades of Grey. You’re probably a witch. Also, shame on me for reading 50
Shades of Grey. I’m definitely a witch.
As evidenced by my tell-tale Squeaky-Witch-Bra test
5)
If you are a lady, and you do not like another lady, just tell everyone that
she’s a witch. I know that people sort of already do that, but the consequences
now are like “yeah. She totally IS a witch.” And before they were like “Really? Maybe
we should just set her on fire?”That
kind of reaction could really come in handy. Here are some practical uses for
starting your own witch trial:
When
a checker at the grocery store tells you they can take you in their aisle, but
a suspicious lady cuts in front of you
When
you’re at Barnes and Nobles and you’re looking at the last Huey Lewis and the News
CD but a suspicious lady takes it before you get it
When
you fall down in the middle of a tennis court because you tried to jump over
the net but you missed and everyone is laughing and you see that one of the
people laughing is a suspicious lady
When
you’re standing at your favorite bar trying to get a drink but the bartender is sort of
ignoring you because he’s talking to Charlize Theron instead and you realize that Charlize Theron seems like a suspicious lady
Now you're on MY turf, Theron! Get your beautiful face out of here! Also, I may have a girl crush on Charlize Theron.
When
you decide that enough is enough and Nickelback should finally be stopped and
you put cobras in all of their sock drawers and they die and you get arrested
but you notice that one of the people outside the jail is a suspicious lady
See?
Witch trials can’t backfire at all! You’re welcome. We should probably all go out and hug some suspicious ladies today. And make sure you tell them that if this was 1693, they would have been hanged for witchcraft. Don't worry. They'll probably take it as a compliment.
You
know how as soon as you’re married and turn 28, people start saying things like
“why do you have all of these bobble heads in the living room” and “how many times
have you set the kitchen on fire” and “is that a pink Magic 8-ball Jesus?” and “you’re
married! why don’t you have kids!?”
“Outlook not good, Jennie. Also, my dad said you need to get it together.”
Then
you turn 30 and people start saying things like “did I see you car dancing to
Paula Abdul earlier?” and “where did you even find legwarmers after 1985?” and “that
homeless guy is trying to holler at you” and “oh, you’re getting a divorce?
Well at least y’all didn't have any kids! There’s still time!”
Let me know if you want me to show you how to fashion.
Then
you turn 32 and people are like “womp womp. Have fun with that Uruk-Hai sword
you bought. Looks like you’re never having kids.”
Well
first of all, I WILL have fun with that Uruk-Hai sword I bought and don’t say
that so condescendingly, unless you've played with an Uruk-Hai sword and
thought “this is lame” which would have NEVER happened because playing with an
Uruk-Hai sword is NEVER lame you fucking liar.
Exhibit A: Uruk-Hais know how to party.
Second,
a psychic/potentially magical/slightly aggressive Buddhist monk told me I WOULD
have kids and that they would be twins so 1) watch out for that train wreck and
2) shut your mouth. Third, maybe it’s better for my imaginary children named Blaze
and Moxie that I haven’t had them yet because so far, I’m not shaping up to be
great parent material. Also, I’ve already had three sets of baby names
blatantly stolen from me because a) I share awesome ideas with people for FREE
all of the time b) I don’t have kids yet and c) my friends are reckless,
heartless, thieving a-holes. You know who you are. So if anyone else that knows
me has babies and names them Blaze or Moxie, I am actually going to stab you.
Here are some of the reasons it’s ok that I don’t have children yet.
1)
I am super awkward around children.
When
you meet a kid for the first time what do you do? I’m seriously asking a
question. Because when I meet a baby for the first time, I’m like “Hello. I am
Jennie. Here is my business card should you need anything from me in the
future. Later on if you would like some assistance with your college essays,
I’ll give you some notes. Alright. Nice meeting you.” And then I take a drink
of tequila from my Big Gulp and walk away. Babies are often not a fan of this
straightforward direct approach. I think they would prefer that I talk to them
like idiots, but I have too much respect
for you, babies. I suggest you set your standards a little higher.
Contrarily, I have friends who are introduced to babies and are then
immediately adopted as surrogate mothers. My sister, who once abandoned my brother and I to die during a potential home invasion/attack-monster
situation and should therefore be a marginal kid-person at best, is incredible
with kids. They just wander up to her in
the street like she’s some sort of pied-piper who attracts tiny humans that
can’t properly feed themselves yet. Sort of like really drunk dwarves, but much
less funny and astronomically more codependent.
This looks exactly like the majority of children attracted to my sister and the majority of men attracted to me.
On
the other hand, on more than one occasion, babies have given me a look that
silently says oh Christ here we go again
and then they immediately try to log roll away, because babies are so stupid they can’t
even walk.And
I’m like shut up, baby! Who are you to
judge me?! At least I can drive a car and count, you idiot! The only
exceptions to this are my niece and nephew. Because once, I watched my nephew
eat an entire piece of pizza before he had any teeth, and I was like “that is a
kid who gets it,” and when my niece was three weeks old, she wrapped her tiny
precious hands into my sister’s hair, pulled my sister’s face down to her sweet
little baby face and sneezed into my sister’s mouth three times. And I was like
“I couldn’t love her any more if she were my own.”
2)
I often forget that threatening adults is acceptable, but threatening children
is not as acceptable.
Like
the time I told this bitchy little kid that she needed to stop beating the shit
out of her classmates or someone would drop a house on her. Because if you’re
going to insult a child, it’s best to threaten bodily injury in the context of
The Wizard of Oz, therefore ruining both their faith in adults AND an awesome
childhood movie. Or the time a kid I was watching kept playing with the knobs
on the oven like a little asshole and I said, knock it off or I will straight stick you in that oven. Or the time
I led an elementary school field trip when I was in high school and a kid kept
sticking his fingers in the chinchilla cages and, even though I had asked him nicely several times to please don’t
do that, seriously, he did it one time too many and I told him without a
trace of hilarity that I swear to God if
you do that one more time I am going to throw you in with that eight foot
python. In my defense, all of these kids were real jerks. Oh. I’m terrible?
And I shouldn’t threaten to throw a small child into a snake cage and watch him
be strangled and swallowed whole and then digested half alive? Well first of
all, calm down. The snake had already eaten. And second of all, you’re a liar if you’re
telling me you’ve never met ONE kid you wouldn’t throw to a ravenous snake.
Game. Set. Match, bitches.
3)
Sometimes, I think kids are assholes and there’s probably something
fundamentally wrong with that.
In
my defense, sometimes kids are
assholes. I'm sorry?You don’t think so?
One
time, my friend’s child approached her on the couch, snuggled up in her lap,
threw a fucking rock in her drink, laughed and ran away. If an adult did that,
you’d be like, “don’t worry about that Janice because that guy’s an asshole.”
I
once watched a child ask for juice, and then after she got said juice, she
unscrewed the top of her sippy cup and poured
the fucking juice out all over the floor while staring at her mother in the
eyes the whole time. First, fuck you, that’s creepy. And second, if I
visited you, asked you for apple juice and then after you gave it to me, purposefully
poured it all over the floor while staring at you, you would be like “Jennie.
You are a drunk asshole. Go home.”
Another
one of my friend’s children wanted to sleep in their dog’s kennel, and when his
mother told him no, because his mother does not want to go to jail, the child
went over and tried to beat the shit out of their dog. Like a motherfucking
serial murderer. Because that child was also an asshole.
OK.
Forget this one. I was right and it’s perfectly ok to sometimes think that kids
are assholes. Damien was a kid. Those freaky ass twins from The Shining were
kids. Linda Blair was a kid in The Exorcist. And Macaulay Caulkin was a kid in
The Good Son. And it’s pretty safe to say that all of these things are
scientific evidence that kids can be real assholes.
4)
I was confident that purchasing an Uruk-Hai sword would be a good investment.
Formula
costs money. So do diapers, cribs, baby clothes, bottles and eventually
college. Well I’ve got news for you, kiddo. My Uruk-Hai sword costs money too.
And I haven’t even paid off my OWN college loans, you selfish a-hole. Also, I
can’t use a child to chop a water jug or pineapple in half.
See?
In
fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the gist of what Toni Morrison was trying to say
with Beloved. (Toni Morrison, if you’re reading this, I’m so, so sorry for
that.) All I’m saying is that if something goes wrong, I can sharpen or throw
away my Uruk-Hai sword, but I cannot sharpen or throw away a baby.
5)
I’m probably not a wonderful influence.
Have
you ever been simultaneously babysitting and watching a realistically gory
episode of Criminal Minds and thought “maybe I should put something else on”?
Oh you have? Because I haven’t. Ditto for Paranormal Witness, Law and Order SVU
and Freddy Vs. Jason. Ever been watching a two-year-old and they want half of
your Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino and instead of saying “no, pumpkin, here’s
your juice,” you say “don’t tell your mom” and hand it over? No? Here’s a list of other reasons I’m
probably not a proper full-time influence for children broken down by category:
Health
One
time, I ate whipped cream for dinner
Sometimes,
I lie about how many times I’ve eaten whipped cream for dinner
For
like a month, I was dizzy, had headaches, and also had seventeen other signs of
high blood pressure and I was like I’m
going to ignore this away until a doctor was like I cannot give you any kind of diet pills with your blood pressure this high, Jesus Christ go to the hospital you're about to die
I
did not know until my late 20s that gyms were open before 10 am
Finances
On
more than one occasion, I have looked at my bank account, known that I had $500
and spent $300 on makeup
I
considered $68 for an Uruk-Hai sword a good investment
Several
times, I have had to choose between dinner for the rest of the week and
manicures, and I choose manicures 100 percent of the time
One
time, someone stole my purse and then sort of gave it back because he felt
sorry for me
Relationships
I
have dated a man who moved to another state without telling me mid-relationship
I
have dated a man for a year and a half who broke up with me via text
I
have dated a man whose idea of romance was asking me to go to a hotel on our
first date
I
have dated a man whose idea of proper wedding attire was Jordans and blue
jeans, and this man was not LL Cool J
Common Sense
I
have a Master’s degree in literature
Once,
while holding a glass of tea in my hand, I turned my wrist to check the time, and
spilled the tea all over me, the floor and the dog; it took me a minute to
realize what happened
I
one time swallowed the tine of a plastic fork at dinner and didn’t realize it until the
meal was over
I
broke an “unbreakable” pyrex dish to prove a point
So
look. I’m not saying that I don’t want Blaze or Moxie. I’m just saying that
it’s ok that I haven’t had them yet, because maybe the authorities would have
to get involved once I started threatening to put them in the oven or letting
them have Starbucks while watching Paranormal Witness. Either that, or they
would turn out just like me, and while I think that’s pretty badass, the rest
of my family and friends would be like “we’re moving to Canada because fuck it,
enough is enough.”
