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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Things we should learn from the Salem Witch Trials

Man. Remember in 1693 when all those ladies were acting suspiciously so we just said, "Hey. They're probably all witches. Why else would they want to wear shorts? We should probably just hang them." And then we hanged them? That was really the best way to tackle that suspicious lady problem. Is this the right way to do Throwback Thursday? Maybe it’s not. Regardless, here are some of the things we should have taken away from the Salem Witch Trials.

1) If a lady tells you to do something, especially if that lady is wearing a bonnet, you’d better fucking do it because she’s probably a witch.

“All I said was to put the MOTHERFUCKING SEAT DOWN when he finished so I don’t fall in during the middle of the night.  And somehow I’M the witch?"
 2) If you are a lady and you want to boss people around, do not wear a bonnet because you will be mistaken for a witch and will, with almost 100 percent certainty, be hanged, set on fire or pressed to death by gigantic rocks. And here’s the thing. Bonnets are a terrible fashion misstep, but they shouldn’t be punishable by death. Sandal boots are a different story.



Docent or witch? I have no idea so we’ll have to set you on fire. Witch.

3) Most suspicious ladies are probably witches. Which explains my former landlord who had like seventeen parakeets (because seriously. Parakeets are worse than watching every episode of Charles in Charge in one sitting), my former co-worker who would read her bible at lunch and then spend the rest of the day criticizing my nail polish, and Charlize Theron.

NOBODY is that beautiful and nice and funny and smart.  Expect a visit from Magistrate Hathorne, Theron. You’d better get that absolutely adorable accent going.
4) Do not act suspiciously in front of a man with a wig.

“Oh, hey, Emily Proctor. No, I won’t crush you under giant rocks. Wait.”

“You’d better work, bitch. Wait.”

“What’s that? No. My name is Donatien Fran├žois. Well yeah some people call me that, but… Hm? Yeah I guess you can call me Marquis… What’s that? de Sade? Yeah that’s me. Wait…”
Men in wigs do not take  suspicious-acting ladies lightly. Because men in wigs will either set you on fire, make you work on the runway and make love to a camera, or will force you into their sex dungeon, which is probably not as cool as 50 Shades of Grey makes it sound. Also, shame on you for reading 50 Shades of Grey. You’re probably a witch. Also, shame on me for reading 50 Shades of Grey. I’m definitely a witch.

As evidenced by my tell-tale Squeaky-Witch-Bra test

 5) If you are a lady, and you do not like another lady, just tell everyone that she’s a witch. I know that people sort of already do that, but the consequences now are like “yeah. She totally IS a witch.” And before they were like “Really? Maybe we should just set her on fire?”  That kind of reaction could really come in handy. Here are some practical uses for starting your own witch trial:
  • When a checker at the grocery store tells you they can take you in their aisle, but a suspicious lady cuts in front of you
  • When you’re at Barnes and Nobles and you’re looking at the last Huey Lewis and the News CD but a suspicious lady takes it before you get it
  • When you fall down in the middle of a tennis court because you tried to jump over the net but you missed and everyone is laughing and you see that one of the people laughing is a suspicious lady
  • When you’re standing at your favorite bar trying to get a drink but the bartender is sort of ignoring you because he’s talking to Charlize Theron instead and you realize that Charlize Theron seems like a suspicious lady

Now you're on MY turf, Theron! Get your beautiful face out of here! Also, I may have a girl crush on Charlize Theron.
  • When you decide that enough is enough and Nickelback should finally be stopped and you put cobras in all of their sock drawers and they die and you get arrested but you notice that one of the people outside the jail is a suspicious lady

See? Witch trials can’t backfire at all! You’re welcome. We should probably all go out and hug some suspicious ladies today. And make sure you tell them that if this was 1693, they would have been hanged for witchcraft. Don't worry. They'll probably take it as a compliment. 


  1. exactly. all of this. a suspicious lady lives down the street from me. I'll know for sure she is a witch by the end of October, if, like I suspect, she pulls out the cauldron

    1. wait and make sure she's not making punch first, because punch is delicious, and then if she's not, call a magistrate.