(Side note: eating yourself into a food-induced coma is a sort of eating disorder.)
And then you look at cleanse diets online. And then you turn off your computer because looking at a diet that allows you half a cup of broth and the leaves from celery stalks makes you hungry for nachos or a hotdog or some sort of microwaved butter-sugar-bread concoction.
And then you turn your computer back on because in addition to the nachos and hotdog and microwaved butter-sugar-bread concoction you seemed to have also eaten seventeen cups of guilt and the combination tasted like shame and you realize that you must look like Sloth from the Goonies because you’re a horrible, shameful monster.
Probably what I look like after I eat nachos.
And then you look at the cleanse diets again and you look for the one that suggests you take in the least amount of calories in the longest amount of time because starvation is the only option at this point and then you see all of the medical warnings that say THIS WILL EFFING KILL YOU, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS, I SWEAR YOUR HEART WILL EXPLODE AND YOU WILL DIE A LAYNE STALEY DEATH ALONE IN YOUR APARTMENT AND THE DOG WILL EAT YOU AND THE AUTOPSY WILL SHOW THAT YOU ATE NACHOS AND A HOT DOG AND BUTTER-SUGAR BREAD.
If you can't read this, it says Layne Staley died alone and no one could ID him. Yowza.
And then you ignore the warnings because you look like Sloth from the Goonies and think about how lemonade and cayenne pepper and maple syrup would probably taste a little like spicy lemonade and drinking salt water to ‘expel toxins’ is fine because supermodels do it, so you’re sure it’s not technically part of an eating disorder and then you send the cleanse diet to your healthy sister who says THIS WILL EFFING KILL YOU, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS, I SWEAR YOUR HEART WILL EXPLODE AND YOU WILL DIE A LAYNE STALEY DEATH ALONE IN YOUR APARTMENT AND THE DOG WILL EAT YOU AND THE AUTOPSY WILL SHOW THAT YOU ATE NACHOS AND A HOT DOG AND BUTTER-SUGAR BREAD.
And then you decide that she’s crazy, you can survive indefinitely on 200 calories per day, and you’re going to the store to buy lemons and maple syrup and cayenne pepper and some type of sea salt and you’re excited because you’ll be spending ten dollars a week on groceries. But then you look at the television and there’s a documentary about ghosts on in addition to a weather warning that clearly states your county, at least part of it, is about to suffer apocalyptic thunderstorms and it would be irresponsible to drive in a possible thunderstorm. So you stay home, watch a documentary on ghosts, make a glass of actual lemonade with about five cups of sugar, find a piece of cheese from the nachos in your bra and start a blog instead?
What shame tastes like
That was pretty much my day.