Seven reasons I hate dolphins.

So this post isn't going to go over so well, because I am fully aware that you saw flipper once or you saw some dolphins when you were on a boat and some idiot told you that they were amazing, peaceful, intelligent, wonderful animals. And that jerk was the biggest jerk whoever jerked and was obviously trying to get you ruthlessly murdered and you need to reevaluate the people you trust. Are dolphins smart? Sure. Most sociopaths are. Are they peaceful? Why don't you just swim up to a wild dolphin and see how that goes for you. Make sure you bring a rape whistle, because they're pretty rapey. Aside from being rapey (and murderous), here are seven other reasons I hate dolphins.

1. They’re tricky mammals. Come on, dolphin. No one really believes that you’re a mammal. What? Your body is covered in hair, thus scientifically placing you in the class Mammalia? Nope, sorry. Sloths are mammals. Mountain Goats are mammals. It’s also pretty clear that Ron Jeremy is a mammal, but you? Knock it off, Sneaky Pete. Here are some examples of mammals. Also, one of these things is not like the others.

"Oh hey, look at me! I'm a mammal!"

"I am a slightly more irritated mammal!"

"I will mammal you allllllll night."

"What's up, bitches. What? Who said I was a mammal? Sure. Ok. Whatever. I'm a mammal."

2. They have conical teeth. WTF, dolphin. What kind of horrible monstrosity has conical teeth? Oh that’s right. Whales. And do you know what whales are? Killers. What’s that, dolphin? Alligators also have conical teeth? Good point, douchebag.

 Conical teeth. Because eyeball.

"I have conical teeth, just like that rapey, murderous dolphin."

3. The butterfly stroke. Have you ever tried to do the butterfly stroke? A better question: have you ever seen me try to do the butterfly stroke? Have you ever seen a dolphin do the butterfly stroke? These assholes don’t even have to use arms. Hey, dolphin, quit making me look bad by setting an unrealistic standard for us real mammals.

JennieB: A picture of grace. Also not built for aerodynamics.

4. They’re smug assholes. Seriously. Have you ever seen a dolphin that didn’t look like it was mocking you for reading Us Weekly and watching Ghost Hunters while you sat on the couch and ate rice with cheese and butter and Doritos crushed into it, and also you drank an entire six pack of Dr. Pepper? Get a life, dolphin. Not all of us are skinny. Holy Christ.

Dolphin mocking you for reading Us Weekly, watching Ghost Hunters, eating cheesy rice and drinking a six pack of Dr. Pepper

5. They’re horrible actors. Dolphin, do you honestly believe we think for even a second that you care about that child?

"And that was the last time anyone saw Timmy alive."

Not on your life. All you care about is pretending to be a mammal and swimming all day. And maybe eating fish and raping defenseless creatures. What would have happened if, instead of your bit part in Titanic, you were cast as Jack?! That would have been a disaster!

Dolphin: Bit part in Titanic.

Actual actors

Dramatization of terrible disaster

6. You can’t eat them. Dolphin, I eat mammals. As the top mammal, I get to decide who I eat and how delicious they are. No photos are necessary here, because it’s just a fact.

7. Dolphins are mindless killing machines. Dolphins, if you get together in groups of two, take on, and then defeat, great white sharks, what the hell would you do to me if I met you in a dark alley?! If you can beat this guy I do not even want to begin to image what you would do to me! It would be like having a nightmare about dinosaurs with teeth made of razorblades, and on top of that dinosaur is a shark with a battering ram shaped like a fist, and on top of that shark with a battering ram shaped like a fist is some sort of meat grinder. And then they all catch you. That’s what you’re like, dolphin, and that’s why I hate you.

Dolphin: "Oh that guy? That guy's a pussy."

Dolphin: "Oh hey, Larry. Your vagina is showing."

How a dolphin would beat me up in a dark alley.

A dinosaur with teeth made of razorblades, and on top of that dinosaur is a shark with a battering ram shaped like a fist, and on top of that shark with a battering ram shaped like a fist is some sort of meat grinder